Why Tolerance Just Won't Do
And for leaders, there's a benefit to watching out for, and supporting psychological diversity on the team.
~Mark Petruzzi
Last Wednesday, on the first day of the Brilliant Leadership workshop, we were working with a concept I call “Psychological Diversity.” This is the idea (astonishing, I know) that we each quite literally perceive reality in our own way.
Sure, we share some similarities in our perceptions and belief-systems, otherwise, any communication would prove impossible. But the sad truth is, we don’t always communicate so well at all, because we fail to take into account the wonderful diversity of perception and communication styles out there—and too often in the very person or persons right across from us.
And when we’re conscious of this diversity, the difference can prove irritating at first.
Everyone has had the experience of feeling like the other person is “too sensitive” or “too hard-ass” or “too pie-in-the-sky” or “too literal” or “to rigid,” or, or…
Some make the leap from irritation to tolerance. They feel good about this, but tolerance is not a solution to diversity. Tolerance is part of the problem. Tolerance doesn’t cut it for those practicing Brilliant Self-Leadership.
As one of my more astute students put it during the workshop, “Tolerance says ‘you’re still wrong, but I will put up with you; your religion is still weird, and isn’t the right religion, but I will overlook that; your culture is screwy, but I will try to put up with that; you are still wrong, but I can congratulate myself on tolerating you.’”
I think of how I once upset a corporate diversity trainer by challenging her that,“tolerating” other cultures, colors, and religions is not good enough. That, “tolerance” is a word that says, “You are an affront to me, but I can put up with you to satisfy a principle or requirement.” “‘Appreciation’ is where we all benefit by getting to,” I offered.
She retorted that I was right, but that most of us have to begin with tolerance.
I will agree that is where most of us begin, but staying there doesn’t do us any favors, especially when it comes to psychological diversity and communication styles.
When we are in “tolerant mode” in a conversation, are we really listening?
Nope.
We are hearing enough until we can make our point from our “superior” perspective or status. We’re “putting up with” “the way someone is.”
Feeling tolerant? That signals habits of thought & belief that prevent further understanding—and appreciation. Perhaps the worst of these habits is one of self-righteousness, which doesn’t feel very good, and doesn’t do anything for us when it comes to learning and communication.
And make no mistake, our tolerant or appreciative attitudes come through in our presentation of ourselves, and often in our choice of words. Those who are listening carefully, are not fooled.
And for leaders, there’s a benefit to watching out for, and supporting, psychological diversity on the team.
Only about a one quarter of all employees are naturally strategic thinkers. Probably three in one-hundred are gifted at it. Helping these intuitive thinkers to feel welcome when they are often the minority on the team can enhance innovation.
Similarly, strategic-minded leaders need to value tactically gifted “linear-minded” contributors or they may risk overlooking important incremental steps to successful implementation. I was once on an (unusual) team of 12 wherein only one of us was a tactical, linear, thinker—and boy did we need him!
And those employees who are always seeing “what can go wrong,” or how leadership choices will affect morale and culture may have a point, even if they need some guidance in how to best communicate it in terms of business outcome.
These are just a few examples of how the appreciation for psychological diversity in a leader can have real benefits.
So if we are not there yet, how do we improve?
Somewhere between tolerance and full-on appreciation are waypoints like interest, curiosity, a sense of humor, understanding, acceptance, and recognition of value.
These are great steps toward new perspectives.
And how might we take these incremental steps?
For some, a quick analysis of cost-benefits is enough to get them started on the road to appreciation. But when we are low on the appreciation scale—when we’re irritated at, or tolerating someone or something, we can ask ourselves:
- What thoughts or beliefs are holding me back from greater understanding, acceptance, and appreciation here?
- If I relax a bit, and suspend judgement, what’s here for me and/or the team?
- If I had no agenda here, how would I approach this person?
- How can I make this more fun?
- What is my intent here? (E.g., is it to connect? To be right? To reach agreement? To make progress?)
- What would I really like to know here?
- What are the strengths/advantages of this person’s approach? Do they fill in the blind spots in my own approach, or that of the teams?
The resulting insights are often surprising.
We can also try an attitude of kindness and/or welcome. In such an attitude is the validation of our own capacity: we can well afford to give others the attention and appreciation we ourselves enjoy.
How do you handle diversity in your work, family, friends, and network? Do you see the benefits in moving from tolerance to understanding, acceptance, and even appreciation?
For more information on recognizing different communication styles, and appreciating the differences the personality type can bring to our relationships, I highly recommend:
◦ Paul Tieger's SpeedReading People
◦ Ginger Lapid-Bogda's Bringing Out The Best In Yourself At Work: How to Use the ENNEAGRAM System for Success
Tags: Tolerance, Appreciation, Acceptance, Understanding, Communication, Relating, Brilliant Self-Leadership, Workshops
